Weasley's Wizard Wheezes

Hermione was reading One Hundred Ways To Pass OWLs Without Cheating. Ron and Harry had fled the compartment when she had triumphantly shown them the title of first chapter in her book: Don't Think You Will Get Anywhere Without Studying. She looked up from her book and watched the scene in front of her. Fred, George and Lee were poring over some sort of list. The couch was strewn with sweets. George and Fred pointed to one piece after another giving short murmered comments, after which Lee would pick it up and examine it closely. He made a few remarks in a doubtful voice, but most of the time he nodded approvingly.

"Your extracurricular activities involve sweets?" Hermione asked. All three boys jumped at the sound of her voice.
"Well... You have to do something to make your time at school worth your while," said Fred.
"Hey! Do you want one?" George offered.
She closed the book and, keeping a finger on the pages of chapter two (Concentration - Even A Butterbeer Might Be Too Much), looked suspiciously at George's outstretched hand.
"What is it?" she asked.
"Nougat."
"And aside from that?"
"It's perfectly safe."
"We tested it ourselves."
"It wore off after only a few minutes."
"What wore off?" Hermione asked peering at each twin's face in turn. Fred and George tried to look completely innocent.
"Just try it."

"You look great as a zombie," said George after the effects of the Undead Nougat had worn off.
Hermione glared.
"I mean, you look a lot better when your face isn't green and you aren't oozing out of one ear, but the zombie-look was very becoming... How are you feeling?" he finished quickly, catching Hermione's stare.
"I'm all right," she said. "Very thirsty." She licked her parched lips.
"Yeah, we noticed that effect, too," said Fred, scribbling furiously.
"And I am am positive that I could feel something scrambling around inside my head." Hermione shuddered. "You don't think that you may have overdone things a little, do you?"
"Well, we tried lowering the dose of banthar scales, but the visual effect was affected as well."
"It made you look less undead, and more like someone with motion sickness," added George.
"Well..." Hermione thought for a moment. "Perhaps, if you lowered the amount of banthar scales and then increased the amount of boomslang skin? Isn't that used to increase the visual effects of Polyjuice Potion?"
"If that works, we'll be forever grateful," said Fred enthusiastically.
"We'll mention your name on the package: 'perfected by Hermione Granger'," declared George.
Hermione glared at him. "Don't even think about it."
"Are you sure?" Fred looked doubtful. "You might be giving up your chance of eternal fame and glory."
"I don't want to become famous for perfecting zombie sweets," Hermione answered.
The twins looked at each other. "Mental," they muttered simultaneously.

"I'm going to find the trolley witch," said Lee, looking at his wristwatch. George and Fred got up as well.
"Anything you want, Hermione?" asked Fred.
"No, I'm alright," she answered. A sudden image of Harry looking mournfully at his incomplete collection of Wizard Cards made her change her mind.
"Wait!" she said, "I'd like a few Chocolate Frogs. You can have the chocolate, I just want the cards."
"Aw, Hermione, I am touched," said Fred.
"But, you know: there aren't any Chocolate Frog cards of Fred and me," said George, taking the money Hermione handed to him.
"Not yet, at least," said Fred as he closed the door.

Hermione was halfway through chapter three (Never Let A Dog Near Your Homework, Even If You're Sure He Won't Eat It), when the door was pulled open again and Esther, one of Hufflepuff's prefects, stumbled in. She closed the door quickly behind her and then turned around to face Hermione.
"Hermione!" Esther exclaimed. She sounded cheery, but she looked ready to cry.
"What happened to you?" Hermione asked as Esther dropped onto the bench opposite her. Before Esther could answer, the door opened again.
A gleeful voice yelled: "Here she is, Pansy! She went to sit with one of Gryffindor's dumb mudbloods!"
Millicent smirked. Hermione stared back.
"Excellent," Pansy said as she appeared in the door. "Two of Hogwarts' most pathetic witches."
"The Fat One and the Dumb One," Millicent sniggered.
Hermione snorted. Esther might be rounder then Millicent, but unlike Millicent Bulstrode, Esther looked like a young fairy godmother, minus the wings. Her face was pleasant and framed by reddish blond curls.
Pansy grinned: "You don't agree with Millicent's pet names for you?"
"No, I don't. I think it is a bit rich of Bulstrode to call anyone fat," Hermione waited a second before continuing: "As for Esther being dumb, if I remember correctly, her grades in Transfiguration and Care of Magical Creatures are much higher then either of yours."
It was silent for a while. Then Esther chuckled.
"That was not what I meant!" shrieked Millicent. "I meant that she was fat and that you... You are a Gryffindor! How much dumber can you get?"
Even Pansy rolled her eyes at that.
"I know exactly what you meant, Millicent," Hermione said. "And I don't like it. What I would like, on the other hand, is for both of you to leave."
"We'll leave," spat Pansy. "The air in here is starting to stink anyway."
"Funny, the air was just fine until you and Bulstrode set foot inside."
Pansy fumed, turned around to leave, but then, as a malicious afterthought, turned back and snatched the bag of sweets from the bench.
"We'll take this, mudblood. It'd be a shame to waste good sweets on the likes of you."
The door slammed shut. Hermione turned towards Esther and grinned. Then they both started to laugh.
"Millicent's face..." Hermione moaned, holding her stomach.
"You mean now, or in general?" hiccupped Esther. "Shame about the sweets, though."
Suddenly they heard yells and screams a few doors down the corridor.
Hermione chuckled: "No shame at all. I think that Undead Nougat has just served an excellent purpose."

The compartment door opened. Lee, Fred and George fell inside, laughing.
"Why! It's a magical compartment!" George exclaimed.
"We leave it with only one beautiful lady inside and when we come back there are two!" Fred grinned.
Esther reddened.
"Did you just sneak some Undead Nougat into the Slytherin compartment?" George asked Hermione, his eyes twinkling.
"No, I didn't. Pansy and Millicent insisted on sampling the entire bag."
"I guess you didn't hand it to them with a description of what it does, did you?" Fred asked, as he handed her three Chocolate Frog cards and a bit of change.
"Of course not. What sort of person do you think I am?" Hermione asked indignantly.
"We just passed an entire compartment filled with zombies," said Lee with a wide grin. "I've never seen such frantic zombies before."
"Really? I think I am going to take a look at that," Hermione chuckled, but when she reached the door, it was pulled open before her. A white-blond, angry-looking zombie stood in front of her, flanked by a burly, greasy-haired zombie and Crabbe.
Hermione took a step back.
"Hi Malfoy. I hear that the zombie-look is just the thing this year in Slytherin," she said with a quiver in her voice.
"What did you do to us?" Malfoy yelled at her.
She felt a tug at her sleave and took a step backwards while Fred, George and Lee stepped in front of her.
"Malfoy. Don't tell me. You did something to your hair, right?" asked Fred.
Malfoy glared and tried to look past them at Hermione.
“I'll get you for this, mudblood,” he snarled.
"It's not Hermione's fault that your girlfriend is a glutton," said Lee.
"She's not..." Malfoy stopped himself. If he said that she wasn't his girlfriend, he would imply that he thought that she was a glutton. If he said that she was not a glutton, he would imply that she was his girlfriend. "Pansy shared," he said angrily.
Fred and George looked at each other.
"Bless their generous little Slytherin hearts," sniffled George. Fred wiped an imaginary tear away from an eye.
"Hey, Crabbe, why didn't you turn into a zombie?" Lee asked.
"Diet," mumbled Crabbe.
"Oooh, good to know. We'll have to develop some Undead Carrots then," Fred said.
"Zombie Zucchini," George grinned.
"Lets go, Draco. I think I felt something inside my head," whined Goyle.
"Really? Congratulations!" exclaimed George.
At Goyle's bewildered look Fred added: "Well, it's an improvement, isn't it?"
"You won't be able to hide behind your muggle-loving friends all the time, Granger. You better watch your back," Malfoy snapped, turning on his heel.
"Malfoy!" Fred yelled after him.
"Do tell us how the Undead Nougat experience was for you!" George added.
"We'll send you a questionaire to fill out!"
"We're willing to credit you!"
"As guinea pig!"